


Dreams, and Second Chances

by loser1419



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Junhoe just loves jinhwan so much, M/M, Psychological Drama, epilogue added for a happy life, it hurts, mentions of fluff too to balance everything out, will contain errors about certain subjects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-10 00:52:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16460330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loser1419/pseuds/loser1419
Summary: A month without Jinhwan by his side had been a long and grueling one. Junhoe lost Jinhwan once, and now, he’ll surely die if it will happen again. Junhoe will make sure that it will never, ever happen again.





	1. The Dream

**Author's Note:**

  * For [unloyalstan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unloyalstan/gifts).



> Read the tags. Keep your expectations low. May contain inaccuracies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read the tags. You are making me feel bad for writing this. Please don't come at me like I skipped the warnings. It's all in there. Sorry for wasting your time when you'll just regret reading this after. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Junhoe with bags under his eyes, hollowed cheeks, unkempt hair hidden under his cap, and donning a black oversized hoodie with unwashed jeans is the exact definition of a walking dead man. He stopped from trying to keep up with his appearance, the moment his lover decided to finally leave his side. He still refuses to call him _his ex-lover_ since he is still holding on that possibility, however small it is, that they’ll be back together.

He grabbed the bouquet of dark red roses and striped carnations that he ordered earlier, _his_ favorite flowers, as he slowly limped his way outside. He’s been going back to the same place for a week straight, begging his lover for forgiveness, to at least hear his explanation, but he always received the same response whenever he came.

_Silence._

Once outside, he carefully put the flowers down as he tried to lock the door with his uninjured hand. He’s later than usual, and he almost doesn’t want to leave his bed due to his hangover; a result from drinking to sleep last night, but he didn’t want his lover to think that he’s giving up on him. He could drive to _his_ place, but his car was completely destroyed from the accident, and he can’t barely function with his casted hand, let alone to drive.

 

 

 _J_ _unhoe was involved in a DUI accident that wrecked his car and caused him to be hospitalized for weeks. He was out on a company party-- the same party that his lover doesn’t want him to attend to._

_As the night gets deeper, Junhoe was getting drunker. He knew his lover would be mad, judging by the constant ringing of his phone that he chose to ignore. He doesn’t remember anything afterwards, and when he finally woke up a week later, he’s in a hospital covered in wounds. He asked his friends where his lover was, because he might be worried and he still have to say sorry._

_His question, however, was answered with a series of ‘Im sorry’s’ and he’s confused._

_“What? Where is he? Does he know that I’m here? Is he fine?” Frantic Junhoe had asked._

_“He left Junhoe-ah. We tried everything, everything that we could do, but he still left us-- you. I’m sorry.” Hanbin, his close friend, answered him._

_“What do you mean? He broke up with me? Tell me you’re kidding.” Junhoe snapped, voice laced with venom. He just woke up; his body was sore and he can’t even feel his arm. He’s not in the mood to joke around, which is what his friends were clearly doing to him right now. If they're trying to pull a prank on him, then might as well end it now because it wasn't funny._

_“No Junhoe, he-he’s gone. Jinhwan is gone. While you were on a coma, both of your parents went to---”_

_Junhoe doesn’t bother to listen at their explanation anymore, his mind blanking out on him, his world crashing down in full waves. His mind only focused on 2 words-- Jinhwan and gone. His Jinhwan is gone_ _._

 

_He didn’t want to believe them. Jinhwan loves him so much, how could he leave him? It doesn’t make any sense. Admittedly, Junhoe is not the best lover, but he’s not an asshole towards him either. He truly loved Jinhwan, and he can’t think of anything that will cause him to leave him. Aside from their constant fights about Jinhwan’s jealousy on his co-worker Subin, and their recent argument about going to the company party, everything seems fine. He doesn’t want to believe them yet, not until he confirms it himself._

_He also didn't get any visits from him, nor any messages no matter how much Junhoe looked forward to it everyday._

_Junhoe thought that they really wanted to get him this time, that they wanted him to believe on their prank and that Jinhwan was gone. It's okay though, once he's out of the hospital, he'll surely see his Jinhwan again._

 

_When he was finally discharged, he nervously opened the door of their shared apartment. He’s expecting Jinhwan to surprise him with a hug or a party popper or anything to show that his friends were wrong. He expected happy reunions, kisses and gifts, but what he didn’t expect, was to be greeted with an empty and cold apartment, with no Jinhwan around._

_His Jinhwan was really gone._

 

 

After successfully locking the door with so much difficulty, he crouches down to get the flowers on the ground. He brushes the non-existent dust on the petals and smiles to himself. Jinhwan will love this. Maybe he’ll even get an answer now.

His friends pleaded him to give up already, saying that he’ll never come back no matter what he did, no matter how much he cries for him everyday. They repeatedly told him to move on already, but imagining his life without Jinhwan by his side is a life not worth living.

Junhoe turns around to walk down the hallway, albeit a little slow given that he's still nursing a hangover, but stops when he saw a pair of familiar foxy bright eyes, staring back at him.

An all too familiar figure is standing a few meters away from him. He's too familiar, it hurts.

“Jinhwan?”, he whispers softly, unsure if it’s the real thing or if his eyes are playing tricks on him again. He has been doing that a lot lately, imagining Jinhwan everywhere. It might be the effect of downing too much alcohol on the night before, but as he rubbed his eyes, once, twice, and when he opens them again, Jinhwan is still there, standing at the other end of the hallway.

Something snapped inside of him. Everything is suddenly different. Junhoe's world turns and his heart skips a beat, before thrumming wildly inside his chest. There's a pause, Junhoe could feel it, and then it goes back to normal again.

Jinhwan is _finally_ here.

Junhoe drops the flowers that he's been holding as he runs towards him. He stumbles on his steps along the way, legs still not fully recovered from the injuries, but he ignores it in favor of coming to Jinhwan faster. If he looked pathetic he didn't actually care. After months of missing him, Jinhwan came back to him, and that's all that matters.

He knew it. His friends are wrong. Jinhwan did came back.

When Jinhwan is finally in front of him, Junhoe quickly pulled him into his arms and inhales sharply. _God,_ he missed Jinhwan’s scent so much. He missed having Jinhwan inside his arms. He missed Jinhwan.

The initial wave of extreme longingness had passed, and now, Junhoe’s attention shifts to focus on the smaller male. Noticing that Jinhwan is cold and unresponsive, he releases him slowly and steps back a little. Maybe he's too eager? Did Jinhwan came back to formally break up with him? Did he not want him like how Junhoe wanted him?

Numerous thoughts and negativity started to seep in into his mind, but Junhoe desperately tries to shake them all away.

He silently stares at the male in front of him, as he waits for him to say anything. He notices that Jinhwan is trembling a little, shivering from the cold wind, and without any hesitation, Junhoe unwraps the scarf on his neck to put it on Jinhwan instead.

“It’s winter, why are you dressed thinly?” Junhoe inquires softly, settling the scarf carefully around Jinhwan's neck.

Of course, he doesn’t get any response from him. Junhoe is already accustomed to his silence after a week of being at the receiving end of it, but to see him standing right before his eyes, looking blank as he gazes back at him, makes a whole difference.

Junhoe is starting to panic--the quiet voices inside his head are shouting at him right now.

He settles on looking at Jinhwan instead, whose face looks as tired as his. Jinhwan is wearing his favorite white button down shirt, paired with his favorite blue jeans, a great contrast on his own all black outfit.

The selfish part of Junhoe is happy that Jinhwan is as miserable as he is. This sparks a tiny hope to bloom on his chest, since it only means that Jinhwan is not feeling any better after their abrupt separation. This could also mean that they still have a chance to make things work again. That they could go back to the way they used to be before the accident happened.

The rational part of him, however, is worried. Jinhwan’s skin is as white as the snow, but now, it almost looks translucent. Sickly pale. His eyes also lost its usual spark that he fell in love with. His eyes are empty, as if Junhoe is looking at a hollow shell. Junhoe knows that this is Jinhwan, but at the same time, it feels like he isn't.

Upon closer inspection, there are some unusual traces of a reddish looking stain on Jinhwan's sleeves. Junhoe's heart pounded against his chest, belatedly realizing what it is, as he hastily grabs Jinhwan’s wrist to pull on his sleeves. Jinhwan flinches slightly, but makes no move to prevent Junhoe from looking at his arms.

To say that Junhoe is astonished at the sight of Jinhwan’s arms is a huge understatement. He is horrified. Fresh wounds and large bruises decorated the entire expanse of Jinhwan's arms. Some blood is starting to dry and his bruises varies from yellowish to an ugly violet. It's horrendous to look at.

Junhoe inspects them carefully, distraught at the state of his lover, but then the arm is suddenly wrenched away from his hold.

He looks up at Jinhwan, to see him with tears streaming down on his face. His hand itches to wipe them all away, but he can't risk scaring him away again.

“Who did this to you Jinhwan?”, so he asks instead, with barely constrained anger in his voice.

“…. you.” Jinhwan answers, his soft voice muffled by Junhoe's scarf. He is looking down, and Junhoe gently lifts his chin up, so he could hear him more clearly.

“Who is it?”

“I miss you.”

And for the first time since last month, Junhoe forgot everything that happened, and all the pain that he experienced. It completely vanished. Who knew that those words alone could completely heal him inside? Jinhwan is finally back, saying that he missed him.

A month without Jinhwan by his side had A month without Jinhwan by his side had been a long and grueling one. Junhoe lost Jinhwan once, and now, he’ll surely die if it will happen again. Junhoe will make sure that it will never, ever happen again.

 

After convincing Jinhwan to come back to him and their apartment, Jinhwan eventually agreed.  Jinhwan is clearly bothered with something, finds him staring into space for far too many times, but Junhoe dismissed it as being nervous. He'll just have to talk to him later.

Junhoe rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment as Jinhwan surveys the state of their apartment. Take out boxes litter at the couch and the coffee table, soju bottles are scattered on the floor, and stack of dirty dishes are placed on their kitchen sink. Junhoe's clothes had been thrown carelessly everywhere, and their whole place stinks with alcohol and spoiled food.

Overall, their once tidy apartment, was transformed into a dumpster within a few weeks.

Jinhwan carefully steps inside while avoiding all the spilled open bottles. After a minute of thorough inspection in this sad excuse of an apartment, he turns around to look at Junhoe, with an exasperated look on his face.

“You really can’t live without me?”

Junhoe doesn't reply, but they both know the answer anyway.

 

* * *

 

 

A week passed and everything seems to fall back into its original place. They had fun cleaning the apartment together. Well, Junhoe _cleaned_ for the most part, as Jinhwan watched him fondly at the side. It's a taxing work given that Junhoe's hand was just recently removed from being placed on a cast, but he refused to let Jinhwan do any work no matter how much the latter offered his help.

Junhoe still has two weeks on his sick leave, so he wanted to make the most out of it. He plans to take Jinhwan out later on a simple date, so they could spend some quality time together.

They've been holed up inside their apartment for quite some time, and Junhoe figured out that they should take a long walk outside for a change of scenery.

On the other hand, Jinhwan’s wounds are healing slowly, which has been a great concern for Junhoe. It still looked as fresh as if it was just acquired yesterday. Junhoe tried to ask Jinhwan again on what happened to him while he was away, or the true reason why he left, but Jinhwan always managed to dodged his questions, diverting Junhoe’s attention with his sweet kisses.

Junhoe doesn't want to press further, convincing himself that Jinhwan will tell him one day if he’s ready. He could call their parents to ask, but Jinhwan’s parents don't particularly approved of their relationship. Once, Junhoe woke up without Jinhwan by his side, only with a note saying that his parents set him with somebody. Junhoe let Jinhwan go then, because he would always come back to him, and it was done to appease his parents for a while. They eventually stopped doing that after a year, maybe after realizing that they really love each other, and never bothered them again.

Junhoe doesn't want to think of the worst, but if the bruises were done by the person that Jinhwan's parents had set him up with, Junhoe will not hesitate to speak up this time.

They have no rights to lay a hand on _his_ Jinhwan.

For now, pushing all of his thoughts aside, Junhoe still has to finish the task at hand, which is to make sure that the dye is evenly distributed on his hair.

 

 

“Surprise!”

Jinhwan shrieks at the loud sound. He drops the book that he's reading and it fell directly on his face. He sits up to glare at Junhoe, but stops when he saw his hair color.

“It’s blue!”, Jinhwan exclaims, unable to hide the smile that is threatening to appear on his face.

If Junhoe has any worries about Jinhwan's reaction after he's done with dyeing his hair, it is completely gone now.

“I know you wanted to dye my hair blue before, but I always refused. And now here it is!” Junhoe shakes his head a little, looking smug as his hair coolly bounces on top of his head.

Jinhwan always wanted to dye his hair, but Junhoe won't allow him before, because of his stupid ideology that he was born with a black hair, so he should die with the same hair color. Had he known that Jinhwan will smile this beautiful on a simple thing like this one, Junhoe would've already dyed his hair with all the shades in the spectrum before.

“It looks good on you.” Jinhwan stands up and walks towards Junhoe. He tiptoes to touch Junhoe's hair before ruffling it a bit, amazed by the foreign color that is now framing his lover's face.

“Babe, I always look good.”

Jinhwan laughs at that, agreeing.

 

“I look ridiculous.” Jinhwan whines after getting out of their bedroom. “Why do you still look cool with blue hair? I looked like someone accidentally dropped their red ink on me!”

Junhoe convinces Jinhwan to dye his hair too, choosing a bright red color this time. The color is a great contrast on Jinhwan's pale skin, giving him quite an edge, but Jinhwan seems dissatisfied with it no matter how much Junhoe reassures him that he looks fine, beautiful even.

“You look cute, don’t worry.” Junhoe laughs at his lover, kissing his pout away. “Now come on, stop fretting already.  We still have to go to a lot of places today!” Junhoe says cheerfully, as he drags a still pouting Jinhwan outside.

“If people laugh at me it's your fault June-ya!”

 

 

Once they are outside, Jinhwan timidly hides behind Junhoe's back, refusing to stand beside him. Junhoe eventually notices it, and stops halfway on his tracks. Junhoe turns around to guide Jinhwan beside him, gently pushing the shy male forward, before holding his hand. Junhoe continues to walk, swaying their arms happily from side to side, while Jinhwan looks like he’ll explode any moment. As opposed to Junhoe's carefree attitude, Jinhwan is a worrywart.

Jinhwan grips Junhoe’s hand to show that he’s incredibly uncomfortable at the obvious display of affection. Junhoe turns briefly to check on him, and when he did, he laughs out loud.

 _He's really really cute_ , Junhoe silently thinks.

“Your whole face is red!” Junhoe laughs, not minding the weird stares of the passersby. They've been getting more stares than earlier, all thanks to Junhoe's boisterous laughs.

“Stop it. Your voice is too loud, people are staring!” Jinhwan whisper shouts as he tries to hide behind Junhoe again, ducking his head in embarrassment when people continue to gawk at them.

“I don’t really care.” Junhoe sticks out his tongue childishly, doing a quick survey at their surroundings, and then suddenly feeling a little bolder as he lands a quick peck on Jinhwan’s nose before running away.

“Catch me cutie!”

If it’s possible, Jinhwan’s face get redder. “Yah! Come back!”

 

Unlike before, because of his injury, Jinhwan could now outrun Junhoe.  Jinhwan tickles Junhoe’s side, as he fell on the green grass, laughing until tears start to form at the corner of his eyes. People are starting to stare at them again, but this time, none of them cared.

Eventually, Junhoe asked Jinhwan to stop, and the older finally did, but not without requesting Junhoe to say ‘sorry’ and ‘please’.

Together, they laid on the grass while trying to catch their breaths. Junhoe is smiling so hard his cheeks are starting to hurt. It’s been a while since they last went out. Junhoe was either busy with his works, and too tired to even think of any activities that they could do every Sundays, which is their only common day off. Jinhwan on the other hand, was always trying to finish his articles before the deadline, and though he worked from home, he's often asleep whenever Junhoe would come home.

They didn’t have any time left for each other, but now that Junhoe is given another chance to love Jinhwan again, he is determined not to let it happen again.

He'll savour every moment that he has with Jinhwan.

A small tug on his wrist snaps him away from his thoughts. He looks at Jinhwan, who then stands up and offers his hand. Curious, Junhoe just lets himself be pulled into a sitting position.

“I’m hungry, let’s eat?”

Jinhwan smiles sweetly, his eyes turning into little crescents as he stares down at him. Junhoe always knew that Jinhwan is breathtakingly beautiful, even more so whenever he smiles, but it never fails to make his heart do flips. They have been together for 2 years, turning 3 next week, but sometimes, he still can’t believe that Jinhwan chose him.

Out of all people, he chose to be with him. Junhoe is  really lucky. God knows how much he loves Jinhwan. It would really kill Junhoe if he ever left him.

They are about to go to look for a restaurant, when a man, who is clearly in a hurry, bumps into Jinhwan causing him to fall down. The man doesn't even spare them a glance as he continues to walk away. The man stops to sit at the bench, before pulling something out from his briefcase.

Angered at the man’s lack of manners, Junhoe helps Jinhwan up before going to the man to talk to him. Jinhwan is just close behind, as he follows him worriedly.

“Why didn’t you even say sorry?” Junhoe flares up, standing tall in front of the rude man.

“Come on Junhoe, I’m fine. It’s not worth it.” Jinhwan whispers, rubbing Junhoe's arms gently to calm him down, as he tries to pull him away.

“He bumped into you and just left. That’s not a very nice thing to do.”Junhoe pries of Jinhwan's hold on his arm  before turning his attention back to the man. “Say sorry.”

“What?” The man looks extremely clueless, and it just makes Junhoe more annoyed.

 _‘He is wearing a suit and looks like he's working on a company, but he doesn't know how to respect people,’_ Junhoe thinks, disgusted by the attitude.

“Apologize to him. Now.” Junhoe demanded as he pointed at Jinhwan beside him.

The man looks at Junhoe, briefly glances at his side, and then back again to Junhoe. The man scoffs and gathers his things before walking away.

“Crazy kid.”

Junhoe heard it, loud and clear, and if it isn’t for Jinhwan who is holding him back, he would’ve punched the man already.

“I told you it’s not worth it.” Jinhwan says softly, as he wrap his hands on Junhoe’s shaking fist.

 

 

They eventually found a decent restaurant but Junhoe's mood is incredibly dampened by the earlier event. Jinhwan tried to make him smile by making funny faces, and it’s working. By the time they entered the restaurant, a smile was already placed on Junhoe’s face.

The restaurant is full, since it’s dinner time, so they have to wait for a little longer until a table becomes available. The staff notices Junhoe shifting uncomfortably on his still injured leg that only acts up during night times, so they offered him a chair for him to sit on.

“My legs are fine, take the seat Jinan.”

Jinhwan didn't saw it, but Junhoe caught the look that the staff sent on their way before walking away.

 

Fifteen minutes later, a table is finally available. The waiter walked them to their seats before taking their orders.

“I’ll have Chicken Parmesan and soup please.”

The waiter repeats his order, and jots it down on his little notebook.

“Coming up in 5 minutes.” The waiter turns around but before he goes to the next table, Junhoe calls him back.

“You’re not going to take his order?” Junhoe taps impatiently on the table, trying and failing to keep himself level headed.

“Sir?”

“Are you not going to take my date’s order?” Junhoe's voice rises a notch higher, irritation clear on his voice.

A number of heads turn to look at their table. Jinhwan ducks his head low, embarrassed from all the attention.

“Junhoe, stop. Please. I’ll have the same as yours.” Jinhwan reaches for Junhoe's hand, but Junhoe doesn't let him. Not this time. He knows that Jinhwan hates causing a scene, or him getting mad for whatever reason, but Junhoe is so _so_ done with people and their nasty attitudes.

“No can do Jinhwan, I’ve had enough. First, the man earlier and now the waiter here? People don't have the right to disrespect anyone. I know Korea is still not open about this kind of relationship, but to ignore you? I’m done with people's unfair judgement and their homophobic beliefs.” By now, everyone is looking at them. Junhoe stands up and grabs Jinhwan's hand as they began to walk away. People stare and whisper at them, some even have the audacity to point fingers, but Junhoe ignores them all.

“We love each other.” Junhoe looks at Jinhwan, who has his head hung low. They stop right before they exit the establishment, Jinhwan's soft hand against his is enough for Junhoe to continue. “We love each other and that would never change. Is loving another man considered a sin? Is loving someone a sin?”

The guests, alongside the waiters stop their gossips. Junhoe shakes his head at them, before completely walking out of the establishment.

 

They walked and walked and walked, until they’re already far from that place. Junhoe now remembered why they didn’t went outside often before. They would rather spend their free time watching movies while cuddling on their couch, than to be faced with judgemental people.

Junhoe has been with Jinhwan for years, and they have been facing discrimination for just as long.

Suddenly, a hand comes up and gently smoothed out the furrow on Junhoe’s brows. When he looks at Jinhwan, he’s smiling again, and Junhoe feels himself calming down a little. No matter how bad the situation is, Jinhwan would always smile, and Junhoe admires him for that.

Jinhwan would always be the water that would extinguish Junhoe’s fire. Loving and having Jinhwan with him is worth everything. It's enough for him.

Overcome with affection for his lover, Junhoe hugs him and Jinhwan instantly wraps his arms around him. Junhoe completely relaxes, shoulders untensing, his heart feeling much lighter, as he inhales Jinhwan’s calming scent.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Junhoe’s stomach rumbles. Oh right, they left the restaurant before they could have something to fill their stomachs with.

Junhoe heaves a sigh, and even if he still doesn't want to, releases Jinhwan from his comfortable hug. He looks around to see if there is any restaurant nearby, but he found none, except for an ice cream store.

It's not the most ideal food, but it'll suffice.

“Ice cream?”

“With an empty stomach?” Jinhwan only giggles at Junhoe’s incredulous suggestion, not taking him seriously.

“Why not?” Junhoe smiles, the earlier events already  pushed at the back of his mind. He can't let their day end on a bad note. The night is still young, and Junhoe could still salvage their date.

“Junhoe, please don't tell me we'll really eat ice cream!”

Laughters are the only replies that Jinhwan receives, as he fondly shakes his head at his lover before letting himself be dragged away for the nth time on that day.

 

Junhoe ordered 2 servings, a blueberry flavored one for himself, and a strawberry flavored one for Jinhwan to match their hair colors. After putting their ice creams down on their table, Jinhwan doesn't waste any time in devouring his. Junhoe watches Jinhwan as he excitedly scoops a spoonful, wincing a little from the cold.

“Careful, careful”. Junhoe reminds Jinhwan as he wipes some residue cream on Jinhwan’s lips. Jinhwan beams at him to thank him, before going back to eat his ice cream.

They left 20 minutes later after finishing their ice creams, with a super energetic Jinhwan clinging on Junhoe’s side.

The ahjumma owner watches them as they go, before clearing their bowls, mumbling something about ‘weird kid and wasted ice creams’.

 

 

They spent a quiet walk back on their own apartment, with both of them getting lost in their own train of thoughts. Junhoe wishes for the night to go longer, because he still doesn't want the night to end. Junhoe could feel that there's something wrong with Jinhwan, judging by all the stolen glances that he did each time. Junhoe doesn't want to ask, afraid of his answer.

 

* * *

 

 

When Junhoe wakes up to a cold and empty place on Jinhwan's side of the bed the next day after, he finally lets himself crumble again. He cried until he can't shed another tear anymore, screams until his throat went sore, called for Jinhwan even though he's met with silence.

Junhoe blames himself for not being enough, for failing to protect Jinhwan from all the harsh judgements from the people. He wants Jinhwan back, his name being the only thing that left his lips before he fell asleep due to exhaustion, praying to everyone that could hear him to bring Jinhwan back to him again.

 

Jinhwan did came back on the same night, apologies spilling past his lips as he gathered Junhoe's distraught self, putting his pieces back together until Junhoe feels whole again--the thing that only Jinhwan could do.

Junhoe hugs him tight, and made Jinhwan promise to never leave his side again. Jinhwan promises, kisses Junhoe's tears away, his apology whispered against the latter's lips.

“Please don't ever, ever leave me again. Don't scare me like that, I won't be able to take it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sometime after that night, Junhoe wakes up with knocks on their door. Junhoe tells Jinhwan to open it, but he just turns his back at him, refusing to come out of the warm cocoon that is their blankets.

Junhoe looks at the clock on their nightstand, and it says that it’s already 10:15 am. It’s late but he’s still feeling a little sleepy even if they had just lazed around their apartment yesterday, so he just snuggles closer to Jinhwan, thinking that if they ignore it, it will eventually disappear soon.

The knocks stop, and then it got louder much to Junhoe's extreme displeasure. Having no choice left, Junhoe kisses Jinhwan's shoulder, before standing up to check on who it is.

When he opens the door, he is surprise to see Hanbin and Bobby standing in front of him, with Bobby holding 2 bags of groceries.

Albeit confused at the sudden visit, Junhoe greets them, before opening the door wider to let them in.

“Do you want some tea? Juice?” He goes to the kitchen to prepare something for his guests. He repeats the question, louder than the previous time when he receives no answers. Wondering what could they be possibly doing to not hear him, he goes back to the living room to check on them.

Hanbin is too busy on inspecting his place, disbelief etched across his features. Junhoe turns to look at his other friend, Bobby, only to see him with the same expression as Hanbin's.

Junhoe realizes that he won’t be answered anyway so he watches them for a little while before having enough ot it, so he clears his throat loudly to get their attention.

Startled by the sound, both heads turn to look at his direction. Junhoe smiles a little, looking quite apologetic too since his friends looked genuinely surprised even if they have no reason to be, and then he points at the sofa, gesturing for them to take a seat.

Once seated, Junhoe, never the type to beat around the bush, asks them directly.

“What are you guys doing here? I thought you are on a vacation until next week?”

“We’re here to check up on you. We also brought some groceries but…” Hanbin trails off before roaming his eyes around again.

“But?” Junhoe presses on, bewildered at how his friend is acting.

“We’re surprised that you’re coping well.” Bobby finishes Hanbin's sentence, as the latter focuses his eyes again on Junhoe to nod. “Yes. The last time we checked on you, you were doing quite well but never to this kind of normalcy. You didn't answer our calls too, so we thought you died or something.”

“Hanbin won't stopped on worrying about you while we were on the company trip.” Bobby adds in.

Junhoe, who was a little suspicious of the abrupt visit earlier, relaxes at that.

“I’m sorry but I haven't checked, nor opened my phone for a while. I want to focus all my attention to him.”

“What do you mean? Who is _him_?”

Remembering how Jinhwan kept his promise and never left again ever since that night, Junhoe lets out a smile. “I thought I’ll die too. But then he came back.”

“Who came back?” Junhoe could notice the shift in their emotions, like a visible switch.

“Jinhwan. He came back, when you clearly said he wouldn’t.”

“But it’s true! He won’t be coming back!” Hanbin suddenly stands up, agitated. “We saw it with our own eyes! He already left!”

Junhoe sighs, tired at whatever joke that they're playing at him. He won't fall for it this time, not when Jinhwan is just sleeping peacefully inside their bedroom. “He’s sleeping at our room, wanna see him?”

They both look at each other, before nodding hesitantly.

Their unusual attitude is starting to annoy Junhoe, but he still stands up to guide them towards their bedroom. He opens the door slowly, careful as to not wake Jinhwan up.

And there he is, his serene Jinhwan sleeping in the middle of their king sized bed. Junhoe proceeds to walk up to Jinhwan, before dropping a gentle kiss on his forehead. Jinhwan stirs slightly, but makes no further movement to wake up.

“………… Junhoe?” An unsure voice breaks the silence. Junhoe looks up to see Hanbin and Bobby still standing awkwardly at the door.

“Be quiet or he’ll wake up. You know how Jinhwan gets when his sleep is disturbed.” Junhoe reminds them softly, mindful of the volume of his voice. “I’m fine, you can go now, don’t worry.”, Junhoe says while slowly climbing back up on their bed. “I’m going back to sleep. Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave.”

“Junhoe this is not- “

“Since when Junhoe? Since when did he came back?” Bobby interrupts Hanbin before he even has the chance to finish his sentence.

“Since last last week. He's been here with me for almost two weeks already.” Junhoe answers absentmindedly, as he lovingly tucks a stray hair behind Jinhwan's ear.

Bobby nods silently, not even bothering to give a verbal reply. Hanbin opens his mouth, before closing it again, looking like he still has something to say. Junhoe raised his brow at that.

“We’re going now.” Bobby says instead, as they both bid Junhoe their goodbyes. The door closes softly behind them and Junhoe shrugs, choosing to ignore the weird pair as he hugs Jinhwan instead, before trying to drift off to sleep again.

Outside the door, the pair is rooted on their spots.

“Did you see Jinhwan?” Hanbin remains silent, unmoving, as he stares at Junhoe’s closed bedroom door.

“He-he’s not supposed to come back.”

“I know.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?!” Hanbin almost shouted, frustrated from all the events.

“Because Junhoe looks so happy.” Bobby whispers, seemingly still deep on his thoughts. Hanbin widens his eyes at that, tears starting to form at the corner of his eyes. Hanbin feels guilty. He saw Junhoe, and how happy he is. He knew how Junhoe loved Jinhwan, and vice versa, but he also knew that they shouldn’t be together.

Jinhwan should never be with Junhoe right now. They should never be together inside their bedroom.

“But this isn’t right.” Hanbin finally cries, as he tries to muffle his sobs poorly with his own hands. Bobby hugs him, and rubs a comforting hand on his back. Hanbin could only cry harder, heart still feeling heavy.

"I know. We’ll help. But we still have to call their parents.” Bobby felt Hanbin nodding at the crook of his neck in affirmation. This is for the better. They'll both make things right again, even if it'll hurt Junhoe along the way. “They will know what to do with this. We'll call them later. Okay?”

"Okay." 

Hanbin prays that Junhoe will be fine after all of this.

 

* * *

 

 

The past few days passed by in a blur. Because of what happened the last time they went out, they chose to just stay at home, spending their time doing random things together.

Junhoe is cleaning Jinhwan’s wounds which still look fresh—as he occasionally peeks up at Jinhwan to see if he’s hurting him. Jinhwan doesn't even flinch, nor react when Junhoe accidentally dabs a little too hard on one of his many wounds. Instead, he found Jinhwan staring wistfully at him.

“You could take a photo, it lasts longer.” Junhoe jokes, before returning to carefully put a gauze on the underside of his wrist. Junhoe hears Jinhwan as he chuckles a little.

“A penny for your thoughts? What are you thinking about?”

“You.”

Junhoe carefully puts the last tape that would hold the gauze, his brows furrowed in deep concentration. Once done, he happily smiles at himself, satisfied by his work. He kisses Jinhwan’s wrist gently, signifying that he’s done.

“Oh yeah? What about me?” Junhoe collects all the things that he used, and puts it back on their medical kit.

“You know that we’re not supposed to be together. Why are you doing this?” Junhoe tenses, before standing up wordlessly to return the bag on its place on their cupboard. Junhoe went back a couple of minutes later, and sits beside Jinhwan.

“We love each other.” Junhoe states simply, as if things are going to be fine with just that. As if loving each other is enough to overcome everything. Unfortunately, Jinhwan doesn’t think it’s enough.

“You know this is not all true. You know you’ll wake up one day, and I will be gone again.”

Junhoe shakes his head at him, determination and hope etched across his features. “But you will come back again. No one could interfere us, not even your parents, or the society. If you’re having a hard time, we could run away together. Far from this place, where we could live a peaceful life. We saved enough money to start anew. We’ll adopt kids once we’re settled.”

Junhoe gathers Jinhwan's hands against his, desperation starting to creep on his voice when Jinhwan refuses to answer. “You wanted to adopt a kid before right? We'll do it once we are already settled in Jeju. What do you want to call her? What would be her name?”

“Junghwa.” Jinhwan finally replies, as a lone tear escapes on his eye. Junhoe releases a breath he didn’t realized he's been holding. “We’ll name her Junghwa.” More tears streamed down on his face, and Junhoe wipes them all away. Junhoe cups Jinhwan’s face, and stares straight right through his eyes, as he tries to convey how serious he is  about what he'll say next.

“We’ll leave the day after tomorrow, on our 3rd anniversary. We could go to Jeju. I’ll get our tickets. We’ll make this work.” Junhoe promises, before dipping down to press a soft kiss on Jinhwan’s lips.

Jinhwan nods and cries some more, and Junhoe kisses him again, longer and deeper this time, making sure that he could kiss all the doubts and worries that Jinhwan has for them. Junhoe kisses Jinhwan until they ran out of breath, until Jinhwan stopped from crying, until both their lips are swollen. Junhoe eventually stands up, and pulls Jinhwan towards the direction of their bedroom.

Once inside, they ignored everything, both lost on each other’s touch. They ignored as Junhoe’s phone vibrated on their couch, before it stopped and the call was redirected on his voicemail.

_“Junhoe-ah, it’s your mom. We need to talk.”_

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Junhoe goes out to buy their tickets that would take them to Jeju. Their bus is scheduled to leave at 3pm tomorrow, so they have to get ready and leave after lunch.

“ _This is it,”_ Junhoe thinks, “ _we could finally start again.”_

Junhoe goes home to find Jinhwan sleeping on their couch, surrounded by their already packed bags. Jinhwan looks paler now and his wounds are bleeding again. Worried, Junhoe goes to grab their medical kit, and starts to clean his wounds again.

 

* * *

 

It’s 12PM now, and they only have 3 hours left before they leave for Jeju. Junhoe wakes up earlier than usual today, and prepares a simple breakfast for Jinhwan, consisting of a toasted bread and fried eggs. Today marks their 3rd year as a couple, and also, their brand-new start. When Junhoe checked his phone last night, it was full of missed calls from both of their parents and Hanbin. It has been turned off ever since, not wanting to talk to any of them at the moment.

Junhoe doesn't plan on letting anyone know about what they have to do today. It's not like they could stop and convince him otherwise anyway, but it would be less dilemma for Junhoe. He knows that he's taking a big leap by doing this decision, but Jinhwan will always be worth it.

He's ready to leave everything behind for him.

Junhoe checks everything for the last time to see if they missed anything. Satisfied that everything is complete, he goes to their bedroom to call Jinhwan so they could now leave. He sees Jinhwan staring outside their bedroom window with his back turned against him. He stared at him for a while, from his fluffy red hair, down to his smooth pale neck. Junhoe's gaze moves downwards, to his frail shoulders, until it stops on the stain on his long sleeved polo. It’s red, and some were dripping on the floor, creating a dark red blotch on their carpet.

_It’s blood. Jinhwan's wounds are bleeding again._

“Jinhwan!”

Startled by the outburst, Jinhwan turns around quickly, only to find Junhoe running up to him. Once near, Junhoe lifts both of Jinhwan’s arms up and stares as blood continues to flow down on his arms.

“Why are you bleeding so much?” Junhoe exclaims worriedly, clearly appalled with the sight of blood, but unlike him, Jinhwan is clearly unbothered. Junhoe grabs one of their sheets, rolled Jinhwan’s sleeves up before pressing it on his wounds to stop it from bleeding. When it didn’t work, he opens his phone and called one of the person that he knew he could completely trust.

After a few rings, with Junhoe pacing around their room while Jinhwan stares at him, someone finally picked up on the other end of the line.

“Junhoe! You finally called! Your mom says- “

“Jinhwan! Help Jinhwan! He’s bleeding!” Junhoe shouts, frantic now as he looks helplessly on the blood that is starting to pool on Jinhwan’s feet.

“What?!”

“Jinhwan! His arms are bleeding! It won’t stop! Help us! He’s losing a lot of blood!” Junhoe could hear something breaking on the background before an equally shaken Hanbin answers him, both of their breaths coming out in a shaky exhale.

“Junhoe, calm down. We’ll help you. Don’t do anything stupid. Stay at your place, Bobby and I would come and help you.”

Junhoe nods, even though Hanbin can't see him as he  ended the call before completely breaking down. How could things turn out this way? They were supposed to leave and start a new life today, so what’s happening now? Why is everything so against of them being happy?

While waiting for help to arrive, Junhoe tries to do  everything that he can to stop Jinhwan from bleeding out. As time ticks by, Jinhwan is getting paler. Junhoe is an unintelligible mess, dread is starting to fill his heart as he uselessly presses a cloth on Jinhwan’s arms.

Ten minutes later, Junhoe heard a series of knocks on their front door. He quickly tells Jinhwan that he’ll be back, as he dashes to open their door. Junhoe opens it and sees a panicked Hanbin and Bobby, along with 2  other nurses.

“Thank god you’re here! Jinhwan is in the bedroom. Please help him!”

“You were planning to move out without telling us?” Hanbin questioned him once he saw the bags near the doorway.

Junhoe ignores his question, and turns on his heels to head back to Jinhwan, who is now sitting at the edge of their bed. Their once white sheets are now smeared with blood too. Junhoe is slowly losing his mind. He can't let it happen. The help is here, and Jinhwan will be okay.

Bobby and Hanbin look at him with both concern and pity, as Junhoe crouches down in front of Jinhwan to tell him that those nurses will treat his wounds, and that he’s going to be okay. It's more of Junhoe convincing himself, rather than him assuring Jinhwan. Jinhwan then shakes his head, and for the first time since he started bleeding, a drop of tear falls from his eyes.

“I love you.” Jinhwan says to Junhoe, as he caresses his lover’s cheek. Junhoe cries, and closed his eyes to feel Jinhwan’s touch.

“I love you too. So much.” Junhoe whispers brokenly and willingly stands up when he feels that someone is grabbing on his arms. He thought that they wanted him to move away so they could get Jinhwan and he let them be, but the nurses didn’t let him go, and they slowly drag him away.

“What are you doing?!” He thrashes wildly in their holds, as he tries to free himself. He turns to look at Hanbin and Bobby, who are also now crying at the side. “What’s the meaning of this? Jinhwan is the one who needs help not me! He’s dying!”

“No, Junhoe, it's you who needed help. Please allow us to help you.”

“I'm not Jinhwan! Jinhwan needs it! Come on, he's losing a lot of blood!”

“Wake up Junhoe! Jinhwan is already dead!” In the aftermath of Hanbin's shout, the silence is deafening. Junhoe shakes his head slowly, refusing to believe him.

“Stop lying to me! What do you mean dead? He’s sitting there! Look!” Junhoe looks back at Jinhwan, who is still sitting at their bed. He’s crying too, and the blood is still dripping from his arms, and down to the floor. “Jinhwan, say something!” Junhoe tries to move forward to no avail, the grip on his arms are too tight to allow him to do more.

“He died last month on the accident! You were both on the car together but you’re the only one who survived!”

They’re lying. Jinhwan came back-- has been with hin for weeks and they were just playing games with his mind; confusing him. He shakes his head, his mind denying it all.

_No, no, no, no, no. They're all lying._

“Bullshit! Stop saying nonsense!”

“Remember Junhoe! Remember what truly happened! Jinhwan died saving you!”

Junhoe closes his eyes, disregarding their words. Lies lies lies. There were all lies. Suddenly, his head throbs painfully, and he would have already fallen on the ground, if not for the nurses’ hold on him. Distorted scenes flashed before his eyes, and he screamed, willing the pain on his head to go away.

 

 

_Junhoe opened his phone and was surprised to see 20 missed calls who were all from his lover. He felt guilty for still going to the party, and for worrying Jinhwan, so he decided to stay for thirty more minutes to sober up, before heading home._

_He stayed on their booth and watched as his co-workers made a fool of themselves. He glanced at his far-right side to see Hanbin and Bobby making out, and he remembered Jinhwan. He opened his phone to look at the time and to check if Jinhwan called again, but there were no new missed calls. Maybe Jinhwan already fell asleep._

_Just as he was about to grab his coat and leave, Subin surprised him with a back hug. She was clearly drunk._

_“Junhoe, don’t leave yet. It’s too earlyyyy” Subin drawled out. Junhoe stayed still from the shock, before quickly regaining his senses. He tried to pry Subin's arms on his waist, but stopped when he heard a familiar voice._

_“Junhoe?” Jinhwan stood there, wearing his favorite button-down white shirt and blue jeans, betrayal reflected on his face. Junhoe pushed Subin harshly, not minding if she fell or not. Junhoe tried to explain himself, but Jinhwan already ran away._

_“Shit.” Junhoe cursed, before grabbing his coat. He glared at Subin who refused to meet his eyes, and followed Jinhwan outside._

_Junhoe saw Jinhwan walking away, with his back hunched. Junhoe ran to him and held his hand. He was about to explain, but Jinhwan pulled his hand away, and walked to the opposite direction. Jinhwan raised his hand up, trying to flag a taxi down._

_Junhoe pulled Jinhwan’s hand and forcefully dragged him to the direction of his parked car. He knew he was hurting Jinhwan, but this is the only way left to make him listen to him._

_“Jinhwan, don't make me force you into getting in. Please.”_

_Jinhwan struggled a little but nonetheless, still went inside the car. Junhoe sighed as he went to the opposite direction to open the driver’s seat. He could spot Hanbin and Bobby worriedly looking at him from the entrance, and he gave a tight smile to assure them that they’ll be fine. The couple nodded, albeit hesitantly, and went back inside the party._

_Junhoe massaged his head as he went inside the car. He had a lot of explaining to do._

 

_They drive off, as thick silence enveloped their entire car ride. Jinhwan looked at the windows solemnly, seemingly fascinated as he observed the night view, but Junhoe knew Jinhwan enough to know that his mind was wandering elsewhere._

_Junhoe peeked at Jinhwan, before stopping the car at the side road. He unclasped his seatbelt, and turned to look at Jinhwan who refused to move on his seat. He opened his mouth to start explaining, but a loud screeching noise interrupted him and a harsh light blinded his vision._

_“Junhoe!”_

 

_Junhoe woke up weeks later in an unknown white room. His body hurts. He groans, because when he tried to move his arms, it felt like someone was pricking him with a thousand needles. The noise he made attracted the attention of the people in his room, and within a few seconds, his bed was surrounded with his friends and his family._

_“Nurse! Junhoe woke up!”_

 

_When the nurse was done on checking his vitals, Junhoe  immediately asked where Jinhwan was. He wanted to know if he’s also safe._

_His question, however, was answered with a series of ‘Im sorry’s’ and he’s confused._

_“What? Where is he? Does he know that I’m here? Is he fine?” Frantic Junhoe had asked._

_“He left Junhoe-ah. We tried everything, everything that we could do, but he still left us-- you. I’m sorry.” Hanbin, his close friend, answered him._

_“What do you mean? He broke up with me? Tell me you’re kidding.” Junhoe snapped, voice laced with venom. He just woke up; his body was sore and he can’t even feel his arm. He’s not in the mood to joke around, which is what his friends are clearly doing to him right now. If they're trying to pull a prank on him, then might as well end it now because it isn't funny._

_“No Junhoe, he-he’s gone. Jinhwan is gone. While you were on a coma, both of your parents went to fetch his body. They held a small funeral for a few days. His parents insisted that Jinhwan should be buried back in China, but your parents wanted him to stay here, knowing that it will hurt you more if he won’t be here. He was buried in Seoul Memorial Park, we could help you go there when you are discharged._

_Junhoe doesn’t want to believe them, but when he went home to a cold and empty apartment, that’s when he finally realized that Jinhwan is really gone._

 

_Junhoe spent the next couple of weeks barely moving, hugging Jinhwan’s clothes and drinking himself to sleep. He would have died from starvation, if it wasn’t for his mom or Hanbin and Bobby’s effort to drop by to give him some home cooked food._

_When he finally went outside, it was to sign a paper about the DUI case. He went to the precinct, together with his friends. He thought he’ll want to beat the driver who collided on them if he met him face to face. It’s all the driver’s fault. He killed Jinhwan. If it wasn’t for that driver’s recklessness, Jinhwan would still be alive today._

_However, once he went inside, he doesn’t feel anything at all. He just stared at the driver, wordlessly as he signed the paper before turning to leave. He was numbed with pain._

_Now, he just felt tired. And empty._

 

_Hanbin guides Junhoe up to Jinhwan’s grave as promised, and Bobby helped him walk. When they reached a tombstone with Jinhwan’s name in it, the couple left Junhoe and waited for him at the side._

_Junhoe slowly went down, and traced Jinhwan’s name. All the emotions came rushing back to him, all at once, and it knock all the breaths out of his chest. The numbness disappeared, and now his heart hurt so much he wanted to rip it out og his chest. It hurts so much. The pain and anguish of losing the most important person in your life can’t be described with words. Instead, you feel it inside you, could feel it at it tore you apart and you can’t do anything to stop it from completely ruining you. Because when Jinhwan died, a part of him died too._

_He screamed, loud and full of agony, the kind of scream that would wreck anyone’s heart. He doesn’t know why he’s screaming though, if he’s screaming at God, at the driver, at Subin, at himself-- he doesn’t know. All that he knew was it hurts, and Jinhwan is gone._

_Junhoe hugged the tombstone, mumbling ‘sorry’ again and again. He realized that none of this would happen, if he just listened to Jinhwan and stayed at home. He doesn’t have the right to blame this to anyone, because it’s his fault. He's the one who killed Jinhwan._

 

_It’s starting to get dark, when Bobby pulled him away to help him stand up. Junhoe had already calmed down at that time, drained from everything, throat too sore from all the screaming._

_Junhoe looked back at Jinhwan’s grave once last time, with a renewed will to do something. He will be back again tomorrow. He will beg for Jinhwan’s forgiveness, and he will not stop until Jinhwan forgives him._

 

 

Junhoe opened his eyes as Hanbin embraced him tight. The nurses let his hands go and he slumped his weight on Hanbin’s lithe body. Everything suddenly makes sense, from the stares of the people, to them ignoring Jinhwan, and Jinhwan’s wounds. It’s not because of the homophobia or because he’s shit at cleaning wounds.

It’s because Jinhwan was never there.

“When the paramedics arrived, they saw how Jinhwan protected you. Jinhwan’s arms were severely damaged beyond repair, and he was losing a lot of blood. He died on the spot.” Hanbin explains as he hiccups in between his words. “It was never your fault. No one wanted this to happen. Move on and forgive yourself.”

Junhoe looks back on their bed, but Jinhwan is already gone.

The full weight crashes down on him, the pain is tearing his world apart, but no matter where he looked, how much he screams at Jinhwan to appear again, he's nowhere to be found.

Jinhwan has left him now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Months later._

 

Junhoe was confined on an asylum outside of Seoul, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia and severe  depression. He could still see Jinhwan, in his favorite white shirt and jeans, sitting on the corner as blood dripped down on his arms. He could still see Jinhwan but not as often as before. Junhoe misses him so much.

People sometimes visit him, even Jinhwan’s parents came once, but he refused to talk to anybody. He would always stare at the wall while he waits for Jinhwan to appear again. He refused to go outside his room, to mingle with the other patients.

 

 

 

Junhoe wakes up from his afternoon nap, when a hand gently stroked his hair. Jinhwan is back again, but this time, he’s smiling sadly at him.

“When will you let me go?” Jinhwan asks softly, hands working gently as he combs Junhoe's soft locks.

“I won’t. I can’t.” It’s the truth and he wants Jinhwan to stay forever. He wants to continuously meet Jinhwan, but deep inside, he knows that he can't keep him. Junhoe knows that he'll eventually be forced to let him go.

Junhoe is stalling time. He understands, but he doesn't want to let Jinhwan go yet. He's selfish that way.

“Move on. Learn to love somebody else. Live for me.”

Junhoe pushes Jinhwan’s hand away as he slowly sits up. “You don’t want me anymore?” He accuses while trying to hold his tears back.

Jinhwan shakes his head. He inches closer and gathers Junhoe in his arms. Jinhwan lays his head on Junhoe’s shoulder, while Junhoe stays motionless.

“Live Junhoe. I already forgave you, now it's time to forgive yourself. It was never your fault in the first place.” Jinhwan pulls his head up, and place a kiss on  Junhoe’s lips. Junhoe closes his eyes to savor the kiss. He could taste the salty taste of his tears as it continues to stream down on his cheeks.

“Goodbye, my love.” Jinhwan softly mumbles against his lips. “I will always love you.”

 

When Junhoe opens his eyes, he’s completely alone. Jinhwan vanished into thin air. He knows that Jinhwan won’t be coming back-- for real this time. He lies down on his bed again as he sobbed at the material of his mattress.

Junhoe fell asleep shortly after, and for the first time since everything that happened, his heart strangely felt at peace.

 

 

 

 

Junhoe dreamed about Jinhwan and their happy memories. He dreamed about his smiles and his sweet kisses. He knew he couldn’t live without Jinhwan, and he knew he couldn’t love somebody else when Jinhwan occupied all the space on his heart.

But maybe, he could always try again and again and again, until he could finally do it.

This time, when he dreams and reminisces, Junhoe reaches out to Jinhwan, and he fades away.


	2. The Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I fucked up before but I will never do the same mistake again. This is my second chance in life, and I will make sure I’ll make everything work this time. I can’t promise I’ll completely let you go though, because you will always be in my heart. I'll continue to remember you, but this time, I'll remember you along with our memories.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheer up! :)

“Junhoe! Wow, you look handsome!”, the voice paused for a while before continuing, “But stop fidgeting, you’ll ruin your clothes.” Junhoe diverts his eyes from his reflection on the car window to look at the new comer.

“But I’m nervous! What if I tripped down while walking? What if I embarrass her? And why can’t this fucking tie stay in the center!” Junhoe accidentally pulled the tie a little too hard which made him choke.

The new comer giggles at the childish act. Somehow, it slips on his mind that Junhoe and him were born on the same year, since he’s always mature and serious. He wanted to snap a photo on a still sulking Junhoe so he could tease him later about it, but chose not to-- sparing his poor soul for this special day.

“Here, let me help.” It’s cute seeing Junhoe so helpless, a very rare sight, but if this continues on,  he will surely be late. “Why are you wearing a formal attire anyway?”

“Daddy! Hurry up! Teacher Yunhyeong is calling our names already.” A small young girl interrupts them, as she impatiently tugs on Junhoe’s pants. “Oh, hello Teacher Donghyuk!” The little girl greets the new comer sweetly, smiling from ear to ear.

Donghyuk, who’s still fixing Junhoe’s tie, smiles in return. Once he is done, he bends down until they were on the same height. He pats the little girl's head in acknowledgement and pinches his soft and chubby cheeks. The little girl grins wider, which warms Donghyuk’s heart.

Satisfied at the response, Donghyuk straightens his back before pushing Junhoe at the direction of a kind looking man surrounded by parents and their excited kids. “Go now, you’re all set. My boyfriend is calling for you.” He winks at Junhoe and the little girl, before walking away to help another teacher out in decorating the entrance.

Junhoe inspects his clothes one last time, sweaty palms flattening the invisible creases on his polo. He's too nevpus, and his friends are still not at the venue yet to calm him down.

“Daddy, let’s go!”

“Junghwa don’t run!” Junhoe took a deep breath to steady himself, and ran off to follow his eager daughter.

 

 

 

_Jinhwan never came back again. Junhoe never saw him again after their last meeting on that afternoon. He waited for hours, staring at the space where Jinhwan would always sit, but hours turned into days, until days became weeks, but Jinhwan never showed up. Not a strand of his bright red hair, nor a single drop of blood could be found. There were times when he wanted to give up, to stop living, knowing that his source of life was gone, yet whenever he was awoken by a nightmare in the middle of the night that left him gasping for air, his mind took him back to his and Jinhwan’s last conversation._

_“Move on.” He remembered him saying.” Live for me.”_

_A sea of tears and restless nights after, he finally decided to do that. He'll try to love again, though he didn't knew how to start._

 

 

_The next time his parents paid him a visit, he told them about his plan on getting better. They both looked dumbfounded for a second-- hearing Junhoe’s voice instead of the usual silence. They recovered after a while, and if it wasn’t for the glasses in between them, his mom would have had already hugged him. His father though, without saying a single word, conveyed his emotions through his eyes that shined with unshed tears._

_He told Hanbin and Bobby too, his faithful friends who never failed to visit him on their day-offs, travelling for 1-2 hours outside of Seoul when they should be spending their time together at home, resting. The couple blamed themselves for putting Junhoe inside the asylum, ripping him away of his happiness and making him more miserable than he already was, but Junhoe knew that they did it for him. He genuinely thought of that too, but the rational part within him knew that they did the right thing._

_On their most recent visit, when Hanbin was about to say ‘sorry’ for the 10_ _th_ _time since they arrived, he cut him off to deliver the good news. He received the same reaction from them; the same ones that received when he told his parents a few days before, relieved smiles and happy tears, and Junhoe thought that maybe he could do it with them by his side._

_He may not have Jinhwan now, but he still have the most supportive people on his life._

 

 

_To say that the whole process was hard was the biggest understatement of the year. It was mind-grueling, physically exhausting and emotionally draining. It took him a lot of effort and numerous distractions to get Jinhwan off of his mind-- which was not an easy feat-- considering how Jinhwan reminded him of anything and everything. His Doctor, Chanwoo advised him to go outside to meet others and have some company. He ended up meeting Yunhyeong and Donghyuk._

_He enjoyed their company; it’s well balanced. Junhoe would mostly just listen to Yunhyeong's unending stories of his adventures and mishaps while Donghyuk would give his input from time to time. On a few rare days when it was just him and Donghyuk however, they would lapse into silence, but it was never uncomfortable. It’s relaxing. They would sit at the bench outside, just enjoying the warmth of the sun and the blows of the wind as it lightly caresses their face. They stayed like that with their head leaned back and eyes closed- a picture of pure tranquil- only to be disrupted by the call of the nurses to get back and get ready for dinner._

 

 

_Donghyuk could sing, and he’s insanely good at it. Junhoe accidentally caught him singing when he passed by his room on his way outside. Donghyuk had his back facing him, and Junhoe watched, mesmerized as Donghyuk belted out the notes, but still managing to sound sweet without it coming out as extremely annoying to listen to. He watched, but then Donghyuk stopped, turned to face him, and Junhoe was too flustered to hide himself._

_Junhoe could sing too. It has been so long since he last did, but he could sing too. Maybe his voice is not as sweet as Donghyuk, but he's beem told that he got this unique tones. He once joined a competition with Bobby when they were in college. They also bagged the grand prize on their first ever attempt in competing, defeating some of the already experienced performers. Junhie sang his part, while Bobby added some color in their performance by rapping to it._

_Singing has always been Junhoe’s favorite hobby and pastime, but when the load of his college works got too overwhelming, practices were hard to put in between his part time job and classes. Soon after, he forgot about singing and focused his attention on correcting books and reading numbers._

 

_Donghyuk invited him to join him sing. Donghyuk will perform as a solo on a talent show that was held annually to showcase the patients’ talents. Some will dance, like the npatient next to Junhoe's room, some will rap, act, and just like Donghyuk, some will sing. Junhoe was unconfident but willing; it’s been years since he last sang and he's worried about losing his ability to do so. Donghyuk let him think about it, and Junhoe promised that he’ll seriously consider his offer._

_He asked his friends about it and judging by Bobby’s wide grin, he doesn’t need to hear their answer. They were supportive, persuading him to accept it and to start singing again. Even his parents and doctor seemed to favor the idea._

_A few days later and Junhoe finally made-up his mind to accept Donghyuk’s offer. Donghyuk wasted no time in giving him a copy of the song that they will sing. His throat hadn't warmed up immediately, but after the continuos practices, he's slowly getting the hang of it. There's still some parts that needed them to harmonize well, so Junhoe helped Donghyuk in getting their pitches right._

_His afternoon sessions got busier; filled with music and singing and tiring practices. Albeit exhausted, Junhoe was starting to feel the energy running through his veins. His doctor noticed it too and pointed it out to him on one of their regular sessions, and Junhoe cracked a small smile._

_He doesn’t think about Jinhwan all that much anymore-- mind filled with perfecting the song and ways on how to execute it smoothly. By the time his back hit the mattress, he was already tired to even think about anything._

 

 

 _It’s the day of the show. Junhoe invited his parents and his friends to come and watch him perform. He’s edgy, pacing back and forth behind the stage while he constantly peeked outside to witness as seats were starting get filled. He spotted his friends at the middle row, seated beside his parents. The nurses and staffs put a small stage at the backyard and decorated it with bright and big glittered letters that formed ‘10_ _th_ _Annual Talent Show’_

_Yunhyeong came by to say good luck and thiugh the action seemed small, it helped the two performers a lot. Junhoe didn't point it out, but the smile that Donghyuk directed at Yunhyeong was different. Too different._

_The event will start within half an hour but Junhoe was still nervous. Donghyuk noticed his distressed expression so he laid a comforting hand on his shoulder and reassured him that he’ll do just fine. They tried their best during practices, so no matter what happened during the performance, they worked hard and enjoyed it anyway._

_Time passed, and it’s now their turn to perform on stage. Junhoe lifted his head to see them smiling up at him with Bobby shouting ‘GO GOO JUNHOE loudly much to his embarrassment. After Donghyuk’s short introduction on their song, the music played and Junhoe closed his eyes, only to open it again but this time, there’s a hint of fire on his eyes. He let his feelings flow in tune with the music, singing his heart out and doing much better than he did during practices._

_Junhoe and Donghyuk were both nervous once they finished the song. A second passed with complete silence, before sounds of cheers and applause erupted from the crowd. They both moved at the center to bow at the audience with a big smile on their faces, the burden on their chests finally lifted off. Before leaving, Junhoe surveyed the crowd once again as attendees continued to shout praises and expressing their amazement for a wonderful performance._

_Just before they both leave the stage, his eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar red headed guy wearing an equally familiar stained white button-down shirt, standing at the far back._

_It’s Jinhwan. He’s sure it’s Jinhwan. He came back again._

_Before Donghyuk even has time to process anything, Junhoe jumped on the mini stage and ran towards Jinhwan._

_He ran fast, ignoring Donghyuk and Bobby’s call of his name. He reached the place at record time, but Jinhwan was already gone. Again. He's gone again._

_That’s when it hit Junhoe. He was starting to forget Jinhwan how could he? He felt the guilt ate him up for doing that._

_“Jinhwan must have been sad that’s why he appeared again.” Junhoe thought. “This is the worst. I am the worst.” His mind continued to chastised him._

_Bobby and Hanbin came up to him to check if he’s okay. Junhoe didn’t tell them that he saw Jinhwan. He knew that they will never understand. He shrugged their hands on his shoulders and went back on his room._

_On that night, Donghyuk accepted their 1_ _st_ _place trophy alone._

 

 

_Junhoe relapsed. After 3 months of continuous improvement, with just a single sighting of Jinhwan, it all turned into dust. He’s back at square one. He’s back at his old self again where no one could penetrate through him and his thoughts. He still didn’t tell them about Jinhwan though, but he figured they already knew it anyway._

_His recluse attitude continued for a month, until Hanbin can’t take it anymore._

 

 

_Junhoe stared blankly as Hanbin sobbed his heart out. He asked why was he back on his old self again. He asked about his plan on moving on. Junhoe just gritted his teeth and looked at anything but them. Hanbin continued to ask him why but Junhoe stayed firm. He kept his silence until Hanbin mentioned Jinhwan’s name._

_“Do you think Jinhwan would want you to be like this?” Junhoe briefly looked at Hanbin before turning to look at the wall beside him._

_“Do you think Jinhwan would be happy with you acting like this? Avoiding everyone and ignoring their help?”_

_“Do you even remember what Jinhwan said to you? You told us Jinhwan that he already forgave you, why can’t you do the same on yourself?”_

_“Don’t you think you’re just hurting him by keeping him? Jinhwan pleaded you to let him go. Let him go Junhoe-ah. Set him free.”_

_Junhoe looked at Hanbin as his words started to sink in his mind, penetrating his built up walls. “I’m hurting Jinhwan?”Junhoe asked himself._

_“You’re already doing so well Junhoe. You’re finally opening up to us again. Let us help you this time. Please.”_

_Junhoe stared right through Hanbin, his eyes unreadable. They heard a small buzzing sound, and then a nurse appeared to fetch Junhoe back. The visiting hours was over._

_“It’s over,” Hanbin thought. He sank further on his seat as Junhoe stood up to head inside. Hanbin had his head hung low, tears trickling down on his chin. He casted one last look on Junhoe, and was surprised to see him still looking at him near the door._

_“Will you help me again?” Hanbin can’t hear him properly but he could read his lips as it moved slowly. Junhoe didn’t hear Hanbin’s reply though, but with Hanbin’s tears and smile as he nodded frantically, was enough to answer him._

 

 

_It’s harder the second time around, but through his entire recovery process, he never felt alone. With the help of his family and friends, and with the added support of Donghyuk and Yunhyeong, he could feel himself get better and better each day. He stopped trying to get Jinhwan off of his mind knowing he won’t be able to, no matter what he does, but instead, he considered their memories as his motivation to move forward in life._

 

 

“Goo Junghwa, 1st Honor.” It’s now their turn to go up on stage and Junhoe is sweating bullets. His daughter, Junghwa, leads the way as Junhoe  nervously followed her from behind, trying not to stumble and embarrass himself on the short walk to the stage. The principal shook his hand while smiling warmly, before handing him the medal.

Junghwa is waiting in the center, smiling brightly in a manner that would put the actual sun in shame. Junhoe walks towards her, a medal in hand and gaze downwards to stare lovingly at his precious daughter. He feels so proud for having her. He considered her as one of God’s greatest gift for him after everything that happened. Junhoe could feel himself tearing up a little as he put the medal on his daughter's neck.

“Junhoe look this way!” And there they are, God’s other gift for him, his greatest supporters in life. They were there when he was happy, when he was losing himself against all the challenges, and when he decided to be strong. They were there to help him pick up the broken pieces of himself, when he didn’t even want to do it in the first place. They helped him heal and be better again.

“Junhoe and Junghwa! Smile!” Junhoe bends down to lift Junghwa up on his arms. He smiles proudly as Hanbin and his mother took pictures of them while Bobby, Yunhyeong, Donghyuk and his father clapped enthusiastically at the sides. He pressed a big kiss on Junghwa’s cheeks for their final pose, which earned him a happy giggle from Junghwa and a chorus of ‘awws’ from the parents and teachers.

Junhoe is finally happy, and contented with his life. He has supportive parents, friendly neighbors, trustworthy friends, a stable job and a lovely daughter, why would he ask for more? Everything is fine now.

However, despite everything, Junhoe still has to do one thing.

 

* * *

 

 

“Daddy, where are we going?” Junghwa asks curiously, as they went outside to wait at the bus stop.

“We’re going to visit someone.” Junhoe mysteriously replies.

“Who Daddy?”

“Someone who’s very dear to Daddy.”

Junghwa looks at him, waiting for him to explain more. Junhoe just smiles at her, and readjusted the scarf on his daughter's neck to keep him from catching a cold. “You’ll know it later.” Before little Junghwa could question him again, the bus finally arrives.

 

 

“Junghwa, meet Jinhwan. Daddy loves him so much. Just like how I love you.”

Junghwa scrunches her nose cutely, the name sounding strangely familiar. She looks at the small picture on the tombstone, and that’s when she finally remembered him.

“He’s the one who was in the picture frame on our bedroom Daddy!” Junghwa jumps up and down in excitement, her voice echoing at the empty and silent cemetery.

“Yes, it’s him.” Junhoe smiles fondly, as he ruffles his daughter's hair. “Go and greet him.”

Junghwa nods eagerly before dropping down on her knees in front of the grave to greet Jinhwan formally. “Hello um-- ”, Junghwa looks back at Junhoe, confuse on how he should address Jinhwan.

“Call him Daddy too.” Junhoe replies as he sat down beside Junghwa. Junghwa looks a little confuse, but nods nonetheless.

“Hello Daddy Jinhwan! Nice to meet you” Junghwa says before dropping down to greet Jinhwan. Satisfied by his daughter, he softly pinches Junghwa's cheeks after she's done, and guided her so she could settle comfortably on Junhoe’s lap.

“I heard about you a lot Daddy,” Junghwa starts. She isn't looking at him, and Junhoe figures out that she's talking to Jinhwan by her next sentences. “Daddy would sometimes talk about you.”

Surprised by the new information, Junhoe couldn't help but to ask Junghwa. “When did you hear me baby?”

“During late at night Daddy. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night and then I would find you crying while mumbling something. At first, I thought you’re saying some name of a dream monster but after listening to it more, you were saying Jinhwan. I thought you were having a nightmare so I peppered your face with little kisses just like what you always did when I’m having nightmares.”

Junhoe, surprised, close s his eyes as he nuzzles  his face on Junghwa’s hair, forcing his tears at bay. He could already feel them burning at the back of his lids.

“And then sometimes when you thought I was already sleeping, you would hold his picture while crying. I wanted to hug you Daddy but I was afraid you’ll get mad since it’s already really late and I should be asleep. I disliked him at first since you always cried for him, but there were times when you would smile instead of crying, and sometimes, you look the happiest when you’re looking at his picture, so I thought, maybe he’s not a bad person.” Junghwa innocently stated.

Junhoe let his tears fall by the end of Junghwa’s confession. Junghwa, noticing that his father was slightly shaking, twisted his body on Junhoe’s lap to peek at his father's face.

“Daddy you’re crying again!” Junghwa says worriedly. She tries to wipe Junhoe's tears away with the sleeves of his shirt, and Junhoe smiles a little at his daughter's thoughtfulness. “Did I say something wrong Daddy?”

“I’m fine Junghwa, Daddy just remembered something.” Junhoe tries to pull himself together in front of his daughter. “Why don’t you go and play with your toys while I talk with Jinhwan? You fine with that?” Junghwa considers his suggestion hesitantly, but Junhoe flashes him a small smile to reassure her that he’s really fine. Junghwa nods before grabbing her bag so she could start playing.

Junhoe could feel his heart swell with pride on how amazing his daughter is.

“Hello Jinhwan,” Junhoe starts. He glances at Junghwa’s direction to find her sitting on the grass as she plays with her toys. “I finally came back.”

Junhoe sits against Jinhwan’s grave, in a way that would enable him to still monitor Junghwa.

“When I was finally discharged five years ago, I visited you to promise that the next time I’ll come here, I’ll have my shit sorted out. It took me quite a long time but yeah, I am finally back again.” Junhoe paused a little to laugh at little Junghwa who accidentally sent her toy flying. _Adorable kid._

“I sold our apartment. I used the money to go to Jeju and to buy a small and simple house near the sea. I continued our plan Jinan. I went and settled down on Jeju. When I first told my parents that I planned on moving away from Seoul, they objected, thinking it’s my way on closing my doors for them again, but after explaining that it’s our dream to live there, they eventually agreed. They helped me find a nice place and move some of our things.” Junhoe remembered every single detail on that day, about how nervous and worried he was despite having made up his mind to continue their plan.

“At first, living alone was hard, trying to cover all the expenses alone without a stable job, but eventually, I was hired by a small company as an accountant. I was paid well, and my co-workers were friendly; I enjoyed working there.”

Junhoe saw Junghwa lose her balance and fell lightly on the grass. Junhoe was about to stand up to check on her but stops when Junghwa gives him a thumbs up along with a toothy grin. Junhoe reminds her to be careful next time before leaning back on the grave again.

“When things were going smoothly and I already saved up a little, I visited an orphan house. I told you before that we’ll adopt, right? After months of thinking about it, and with my friends and parents support, I eventually did, and I named her Junghwa just like what you wanted. You liked that name.  And you know what, it’s one of the best decision that I made in my life. Having Junghwa is a real blessing.” Junhoe smiled fondly at the little girl of sunshine in front of him. “When things got tough before, I would just look at your picture to have strength, but now I have Junghwa with me too.”

Suddenly choked up with all the emotions, Junhoe struggles to continue. “Jinhwan I still love you and missed you constantly, and that would never change. I’m sorry for asking for a second chance to be with you again, when I should have just let you go. But looking back, being with you for the second time, even if it’s not real, made me realize a lot of things.”

It was starting to get dark and they really should be going by now. Junhoe checked the time and he only got an hour left before the cemetery closes. Junhoe stood up to brush the grass and soil on his pants before continuing, “I fucked up before but I will never do the same mistake again. This is my second chance in life, and I will make sure I’ll make everything work this time. I can’t promise I’ll completely let you go though, because you will always be in my heart. I'll continue to remember you, but this time, I'll remember you along with our memories.”

Junhoe released a breath he hadn't know he's been holding, his chest feeling lighter as he exhales.

“Good bye for now my love, I will always love you.”

Junhoe stares at the grave for a while, the gentle wind caressing his face, before gathering their things and walking towards Junghwa. Junghwa immediately stops playing and laced their hands together, while holding her toy on the other hand.

Junhoe turns to look back one last time, and that's when he saw an awfully familiar man wearing a white button-down shirt paired with blue jeans, standing near the grave. This time, his sleeves are not stained with blood and Jinhwan is smiling at him. He looks relieved and happy. Junhoe smiles back at him, his eyes blurring a little from his tears.

“Daddy what are you looking at?” Junhoe looks  down at Junghwa and turns to point at Jinhwan's direction, but he’s already gone.

"Daddy?"

“Nothing Junghwa.” Junhoe shook his head as he smiled brightly at his daughter, his heart at peace, contented, and filled with joy. “What do you wanna eat?”

“Ice cream!”

“With an empty stomach?” Junhoe laughs at the suggestion, this scene feeling like a Deja vu.

“Why not?” Junghwa pouts, before dragging his father towards the exit. His daughter is already excited just by the thought of eating ice cream.

“Unfortunately, we can’t baby.” Junhoe pouted for a dramatic effect too, mimicking his daughter's expression. Junghwa’s shoulders drooped down in disappointment, and Junhoe is too weak to not give in on her request. After all, it's rare for her to request anything, always contented on the things that Junhoe is giving her..

“How about we eat something and then have ice cream for desert? You could have strawberry, your favorite!” The twinkle on Junghwa’s eyes is back again at the mere mention of his favorite flavor. She jumps down excitedly, her grin stretching on her face.

“Let’s go daddy, let’s go!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Six years ago, if you would ask Junhoe about how he imagined himself living in the future, he would probably say something along the lines of 'living like a hermit man, alone and lonely on his empty house', or on the worst case, not living altogether.

This version of his future however, where he wipes the ice cream stains at the corner of Junghwa's mouth, as his daughter messily eats, where he regrets giving Junghwa sugar in the form of a strawberry flavored ice cream, is much more better than what he initially predicted.

 

* * *

 

 

He asked for a second chance to be with Jinhwan, but he was given a much more beautiful gift.

He was given second chance in life.

Junhoe sleeps and dreams, with Junghwa now tucked safely in his arms.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't supposed to upload this soon, but then it was edited fast and did you alk see Junhwan's picture with a child? It's the most precious thing, I swear.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this up until the end. This fic is actually inspired with a drabble from unloyalstan's [1114](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13792959/chapters/32112261)! Took me months to work on this and I'm glad I finished it this time.


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